so this is what this feels like.

i don’t even know what to say.

about 2 hours ago i came home from visiting my family yesterday (stayed the night at my brother’s house) and decided to clean out all my spam emails from my yahoo account, since there were like 200.  one of the few that was left in my inbox was the first email between C and me, in which he gave me the link to his match.com profile so i could read about him, etc.

Well, back about a few months ago i did a search for his match.com profile and found that he had been active within a few weeks, which was about the time he told me he had cancelled it.  when i confronted him about it (i really didn’t have too bad of a feeling about it, but i just needed to make sure, ya know?), he said that he had cancelled his subscription, but he didn’t like delete his profile or whatever, so he agreed to do that.  then a week or two later he told me he had finally deleted it.  fine, whatever, i knew he wasn’t on there looking for someone else or anything.  and we were happy.  i didn’t really think twice about it.

well today when i saw that link in his email, i thought i might as well click on it JUST to be sure.  so i did.  click on it.  and i guess he DID delete his profile, only he created a NEW one with a different name and headline that says he lives in another city that’s about 5 or 10 miles away from the one he DOES live in.  the profile itself is identical to the one he had before.  the best part, though, other than the fact that he was obviously trying to NOT be found (by ME) by putting a different city, is the part about how he’s been active within 24 hours.

i felt like i had been kicked in the stomach.  i just stared at it for a couple of minutes, pouring over the words and pictures in disbelief.  then i started sobbing, naturally.  it went that way for a good while, about 20 minutes or so, at which some point, i moved to the floor to sob, when i decided i couldn’t handle it and decided to call him.  problem is, he’s visiting his family out of town this weekend, and he doesn’t get cell service there, so he always uses his mom’s cell phone to call me when he’s there.  so i called her number and no answer.  then i sobbed for another 5 or 10 minutes when i decided i guessed i could try best friend K even though it was only 11:30 and she was probably still asleep.  her phone was off.  i called glo’s phone and left a message to have K call me when she got it.  then i tried heather, but got her voicemail as well.  i was about to panic, there was really no one left to call.  and i couldn’t stop sobbing, so i decided to take a shower.  that actually did help.  K called after i’d been showering for a few minutes, and i said i’d dry off and call her right back.  2 minutes later C called; he must’ve seen my missed call on his mom’s phone.  i told him i’d call him right back, too.

i got out of the shower and called K, told her what happened.  oh, i forgot to mention that i signed up for a free 3-day trial of match (i already had a profile that i set up 3 years ago in new york, so all i had to do was give ‘em my credit card info–great, right?) and emailed him on match, telling him that i couldn’t believe he would do this to me, that i must’ve been an idiot, because i thought i could trust him and thought he was sincere, and that i was a wreck and couldn’t do this.  fun times.

so when i called C back the conversation consisted of this:

C: “hey…what’s up? did you call earlier?”

Me: “yeah.  hey.  what’s up.”

C: “oh, not a lot.  what are you doing?”

Me:  “well, i’m actually gonna do some stuff around here, but you should check your email.”

Him: “how come…?”

Me: “oh, you should just check it.”

Him:  “is something wrong?”  (of course there is, he can already tell just by my voice alone.)

Me: “you should just check your email, but you know, don’t call me back right away or anything, ‘cuz i’m gonna need some time.”

Him: “…ok…um, when can i call you?”

Me: “well, i guess you can call when you’re leaving or something.”

Him:  “ok…”

Me:  “Ok! (trying to sound perky on that OK; not working.)  Bye.”

Him: “bye…”

So yay.  THAT was fun.

K called me back.  the plan is this:  right before i started writing this entry i took a muscle relaxer.  i’m going to try to sleep for a while if it will help me, cuz god only knows i can’t otherwise.  then, after glo’s show is over later (she’s starring in a play and is freaking AMAZING, by the way), they will call me to wake me up, and possibly come get me for dinner and will drive me to denton (in my car so i can get back for work tomorrow.)

yeah, work tomorrow.  that’s gonna go really well, i bet.

currently i am eerily calm other than the fact that my body is still shaking slightly all over.

***

i don’t know what to say now.  all i keep thinking is “i can’t believe this…” over and over again.  i thought he loved me.  i thought he wasn’t a LIAR, for starters.  i thought he was good.  i thought i would marry him eventually.  ok, now i’m crying again, but whatever.  i’ve never been through this before; i’ve never loved someone before, i’ve never been hurt like this.  god, it was SO hard for me to open myself up to love, and now this.  why is this happening?  what is WRONG with him?

and i know he won’t tell his family the truth; he’s probably telling them i’m mad about some stupid thing and i’m being a dumb, sensitive girl.  and he can bet his sweet ass that if/when it’s officially over, i’m gonna send them a letter telling them what REALLY happened, and that I’M the one who loved HIM and would have done ANYthing to be with him forever.  ASSHOLE.

i haven’t eaten anything, and my stomach is starting to growl.  i’m kind of afraid if i eat that i’ll throw it up.

all i can think is WHY?  why would he do this?  why am i not enough?  what the FUCK?  how can someone you love so much be so deceptive?

it hurts so much, i don’t want to feel like this.  i want HIM to hurt, to know how i feel right now.  but of course i know he never will.  he obviously can’t care that much.

if it wasn’t for that email, i NEVER would have found out.  i would have only thought to search for his old username.  i can’t believe this is happening.  i can’t believe this is happening to me.  how could he do this to me?

i just want to sleep, but i don’t know if i’ll be able to.

he’s been gone all weekend, i was looking forward to seeing him tonight.  how can things change so quickly?  how can someone do something so hurtful?  i don’t understand, i can’t.

wow, this has been a really fun entry, huh?  like daytime t.v.  i’m sorry for all of this, it’s just that it just happened, and i don’t know what else to do.  i thought maybe writing about it would help.

i’m so lost.