it hurts. really, really, bad. it’s not getting better, and i know that it will over time, but it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it will. i can’t stop thinking about it for more than 10 minutes at a time, which is making me crazy. i’m a blubbering fool. i can’t stop crying, though as of now i’ve made it a couple of hours. pretty damn good.
it’s hard to talk about right now, but the gist is we talked some last night after work and before my rehearsal, and the bottom line is i have to end it. he didn’t even really give me much choice, which is probably better, but it doesn’t seem like it. i guess at this point everything is just a giant ball of shit, so anything that happens seems to do nothing but make it hurt worse.
i made it through dress rehearsal only losing it once, and it was during other songs, so i just stepped outside for a few minutes until i recovered.
i can’t listen to any music right now. (musical theatre at rehearsal is different since i’ve got something to focus on and am surrounded by people.) i know that would make it worse. music is my means of emotion. i experience a lot of emotion through music, and i just can’t right now.
i know i have to leave. i know i deserve better. it’s just so hard to accept that he’s not who i thought he was; that i wasn’t enough for him and he wasn’t man enough to tell me. that he didn’t love me the way i thought he did. i was HAPPY. so happy. i thought we were happy together. the whole thing has been a half lie. he MOSTLY loves me. that’s great. how is that possible? and of course he didn’t realize how much he loves me until now, when it’s too late; when he sees what it will be like without me. it hurts so bad. well, so much for the 2 hours thing; i guess that’s my limit.
FYI, it’s really hard to answer the phone at work when you either ARE crying or HAVE been crying. i wouldn’t recommend it, personally.
i can’t believe this is happening. how can it still be so surreal? i want my old life back, the one i had on saturday when i told my whole family that i would probably marry him one day. what happened to that life? it never existed! and i hate that. i hate him for wanting perfection even while knowing he’ll never get it. i hate him for wanting more than me because he found some stupid reason why i wasn’t perfect enough. i hate him for not realizing how good we are for each other, for taking me for granted, for caring now that he’s hurt me beyond repair, now that it’s too late to undo what he’s done.
i gave him his key back and got mine from him. tonight i will end it.
(thanks to those who have written and/or called. it’s too hard to talk much right now, but it means a lot. i’ll be ready before too long. but i love you all for your support.)
April 11th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
Hey G,
I just wanted to say that it’s not that you aren’t enough for him, it’s that he isn’t enough for you. Otherwise it wouldn’t hurt you so much. Hope things get better soon. Love you!
April 11th, 2006 at 12:55 pm
Hey gorgeous,
I agree with Curly, although I know it doesn’t really seem to help at the current moment. He clearly isn’t what he presented himself to be, and in my opinion those are the worst kind of people. You on the other hand are a beautiful strong woman with lots of people around you who love you very much! Including me. Can’t wait to see you.
April 11th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
Sorry you are feeling blue, Blue. I don’t know what he wants, if not you…then some other incredible woman…maybe he wants my wife, in which case, I need to attack him while he is sleeping.
We all love you, take care.
– Ploppy.
April 12th, 2006 at 12:19 am
Yes, we do. We all love you.
Don’t be thinking that you were somehow not enough. You are everything and then some. He’s got that “MAYBE the grass is greener over there” thing going on. He’s an idiot. Don’t listen to him. Listen to us, your friends! You are wonderful! You are beautiful, smart, funny, strong, (even though you might not feel that way right now), oh yeah - did I mention wonderful? It hurts like hell right now, but this will pass. In the mean time, be good to yourself. Do nice things for you. I’ll be thinking of you…
April 12th, 2006 at 7:23 am
Oh my God - I just read everything right now, this morning. I cannot believe this shit! If it can happen to you, it can happen to me. I’m trying to put myself in your place; how would I feel if I found out Mike had done the same thing? I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I am so sorry, Gayla. What an asshole fuckface no-good dickhead. I’ll be thinking about you…
April 12th, 2006 at 12:02 pm
I agree with Curly E, he’s just not good enough. This hurts so much, I see it this way, better now than 10 years down the line. Hijo de su puta madre!! He will pay!! Mark my words, KARMA, oh sweet KARMA.
April 12th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
you guys are so great. thank you so much for everything. it means a lot, more than you know.
i’m hanging in there. officially broke it off last night, i’ll write more when i get a chance, but for now i need to finish up my stupid work and get ready for dress rehearsal!
LOTS OF LOVE, G
April 12th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
MAN — I am so sorry for HIM that he has forsaken such a wonderful person. I was SHOCKED to read this and am still totally dumb struck. I want that asshole’s number and address — me and the boy will take a nice little roady. John’s big and can kill, kill, KILL. Sorry — I’m mad. I’ve had assholes do that exact same thing to me in the past and it’s just so f’ing stupid that these people think they can actually keep it all covered. You can always (ALWAYS) call me if you need someone to talk to — don’t forget that.
April 13th, 2006 at 8:19 am
I am just getting caught up with your diary right now and my heart breaks for you…
April 13th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
Darling, I am so very, very sorry. This truly sucks and wish you didn’t have to go through it. You are such a kind, wonderful, beautiful woman and you will never deserve to be treated like that. What a sucky way to find out, too. Just sucky all around.
I know exactly the feeling you are talking about when you say you want to make him hurt the same way you do. Lord, do I know that feeling. It isn’t fun. All my good thoughts to you.
April 14th, 2006 at 10:01 am
In short, the boy’s an idiot. Clearly.
Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you, Blue. And a big middle finger to whatsisname!
April 14th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Man, I just got home to find out all this has happened!?! Jeez, and I’ve had my own recent drama where a girl shed a tear while admitting how much she liked me only to get upset once I told her I have a girlfriend. Now, I have to see her on Monday as I’ve been out of town (that’s why I’m catching up with you). There will be more boys. I can guarantee that to you. Just gotta learn to weed the morons out. Smoochies!
April 16th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
I just had to run over here and tell you I am extra proud that you were extraordinary in your show being that you are not stellar in spirit. I was SO EXCITED to hear you did a song from Carousel too! Talk about great soprano parts and I just love the phrasing in those duets. I wish I could have been there to cheer like it was a rock show!