you know, it would be great if my mother didn’t call me first thing in the morning, the very MINUTE i walk in the door to work. like, uh, can i get settled in and come to the realization that yes, i am unfortunately at work again? i mean really. she didn’t even have anything to say. other than to say she was upset that the mavericks lost. but really that’s just something she thought of as a reason she could call me. sometimes she really drives me crazy. like the card she gave me for mother’s day? had a whole section devoted to expressing to me that she was a bad mother and she hopes she didn’t do too much damage (or something like that, i can’t remember the exact words; i was too surprised and unsure of how to respond to focus on that). ???!!! i had no idea what to say to that, so i just said thank you for the card, that it was sweet. ?? ANYway. welcome back, folks, in case you’re just tuning in, this is the SOPHIE SHOW (that’s her name), where it’s ALL sophie, ALL the time. why don’t you sit back and take a break from thinking about yourself or anyone else for a while, and think about SOPHIE? anyway. sometimes i get tired of having to baby her. at some point in recent years, i suddenly realized that I am the mother in our relationship. this annoys me. i can’t imagine what her reaction will be if/when i ever get married. if i have kids, hopefully that will make it a little better, because she can put some of her crazy energy into being with and loving them.
i realize that most of her behavior is a direct or indirect result of her self-esteem being unusually low, but frankly, i have little to no sympathy for someone who refuses to seek help for their problems. at least when their problems control their emotions and their lives. some of us are capable of working through our problems in our own minds, and some of us aren’t. i know that i would probably benefit from therapy, but i don’t have the means to do that right now. SHE DOES. she went to a counselor twice that i know of. one of those times was with me. lovely. i told her that going to 2 sessions was not enough, was not going to help her, and that she was just as bad as my brother who WANTS to be a victim, and therefore refuses to go to therapy. he LIKES being angry at everyone all the time. he LIKES blaming all of his issues on other people like my dad, our older brother, me, etc. he obviously gets something out of playing the martyr. hence: NO SYMPATHY FROM ME. give me a break. my mom wants to complain all the time about my dad and tell me that she still thinks about divorcing him, etc., but she is too lazy or whatever to go talk to a counselor. i finally told her on friday that my Dad is NOT the root of her problem, and she knows it. i told her that their relationship will never get better if she doesn’t get better on her own first. (which she won’t, but i still needed to say it.)
i guess that’s enough of this for now. i get worked up sometimes and could go on forever. i will never understand how some people can go through their lives without making the effort to better themselves, to find out why they do the things they do, etc. it’s beyond my comprehension. i’m such a self-analyst. and some things about myself i know i’ll never be able to change (and i’m sure i’ll turn into my mother to some degree, which is disturbing as HELL), but at least i can be AWARE of most of my faults. it’s better than nothing.
dammit. the mavericks lost last night. those fucking spurs.
won’t i be a great music teacher to little kids with my sailor mouth?? hee.
May 19th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Darlin’. You are singing my song. I just FINALLY cut my Mother out of my life after 30 years. I told her “You don’t deserve me as a daughter, go to rehab and fix yourself.” It didn’t go over very well and I immediately stopped caring.
Because I have to fix me and she’s only complicating matters. So good for you.
On a side night, Last night pre-game, I started to cut Nash’s hair. I got one good cut in at Staples Center before he stopped me. He mumbled something about it being his “good luck” hair. I told him he was not Sampson and he stormed out of the locker room.
Hence, the Clippers won in Game 6, the series is now tied. If I had money to get to Phoenix Monday, I would finish that damn haircut for once and for all. We’d all be happier. Sorry the Mavs lost. I go all crazy about my basketball here.
May 26th, 2006 at 9:29 am
I keep thinking that now I know I have a perfect female lead, that I can be inspired to finally write a musical. I’d want it to be really silly (like the Producers) but also post-modern like Ghost World. And you would be flawless.
After reading this entry, I see that you are also really smart about what’s around you, and pretty good at letting other people’s feelings not own you. Or at least recognizing the potential pressure of those feelings bossing you about.
Tell me your favorite kinds of songs to sing on stage. I want to be inspired.