titles can be so…pointless.

i’ve spent the last week hating my mother.  ok, so maybe i’ve spent the last 10-15 years give or take hating her.  hard to say, exactly.

in the last couple of days, some certain people have tried to help me see things from her perspective.  i love her so much, but mainly i hurt for her because she is so unhappy in her shoes.  in her life.  i pity her.  i’m angry that she refuses to take steps to make herself happier.  but really, all she wants is to spend some time with me and for me to like her.

i don’t know why it’s so hard for me to be nice to her.  but it is.  i’m mostly cold and sometimes cruel, always standoffish. 

i’ve decided today to try to be nice to her.  to try to actually SHOW that i love her, even though of course i do.  but she may be afraid that i don’t cause i’m so damn mean all the time.

i’ve agreed to write with her: to work on a “book” of sorts, stories told from each of our viewpoints.  not that we will probably ever end up trying to get it published, but that’s not the point, anyway.  maybe it will be fun.  maybe it will be therapeutic.  maybe she will feel closer to me.  maybe she will be happier, even just a little bit.  and if i can do that small thing for her, then why not? 

***

thursday i spent the whole day with bestfriendk.  it was great!  i never see her anymore, because she lives on the remote island of denton, as i’m sure i have probably mentioned before.  i went to see her new place, we had lunch at the ORIGINAL location of el fenix (my fave restaurant) downtown, and we went to see Brooklyn the musical at Fair Park.  (it was awful except for the singing, and neither of us recommends any of you to see it.)  we tried to practice the national anthem for an upcoming audition that is no longer open, but we kept breaking into giggle fits and instead of singing our harmonies, we began imitating various characters in our singing: the star-spangled banner as a black evangelist, the star-spangled banner as an over-vibratoed churchgoer, as mariah carey, as a hair band rock star.  ok, we may not have hit all of those, but i’m sure we have at some point. 

then she realized she was late for rehearsal.  oops.  so she darted out of the apartment and i had din-din with her roomie, glo.  it was yum.  glo and i talked about our respective deep-seated emotional issues, because lo and behold, they are mostly identical. 

then i went home to my baby.  living with him has been pretty great so far.  only i’m getting to the point of buying a shower curtain, as there is only a liner in there now.  i already did a few things, like made him hang up curtains in the bedroom so i could sleep past 7:00 on the freaking weekends, and bought him a little tray to hold all of his loose change, as it was strewn in a LARGE pile all over his side table.  (you know, i don’t want to make TOO many changes too soon, especially since we didn’t like GET an apartment toGETHer, i just sort of moved in on his territory, which is a small one bedroom.  though so far he has taken these things well.)  so yeah, i might start looking for a plain, not girly, khaki or cream-colored fabric shower curtain.  that would be me happy. 

i’m kind of ridiculous sometimes with how happy i am with this guy.  it’s crazy, i think.  but he’s great.  and he drives me crazy about little things sometimes, but mostly i just laugh at him.  and stare.  i definitely do a lot of staring.  study his face, that kind of thing.  the trip to new mexico was nice.  the weather was so cool, usually 60-70 degrees.  anyone’s parents can get to you after a few days.  but the main thing about the trip was that i reached another place in my mind about him.  i suddenly knew with much more certainty than before that i want to be with him.  long-term and stuff.  scary.  weird.  but hey, even though deep down in my heart for many years i always believed that this would NEVER happen to me, here it is.  it has happened, it is happening.  and i’m so glad.